Breaking Generational Cycles: A Thankless Job for Parents
If you’re doing it right, your kids won’t be grateful
I work with parents as an intuitive healing coach, specializing in parents who are trying to break generational cycles and do things differently than how it was done for them. I very often hear this phrase from parents:
I’ve worked so hard not to be the parents I had, and my child is still struggling.
When you’ve survived childhood trauma and managed to break the cycle of abuse, there is often some level of expectation that our children will be grateful for the gift of broken cycles. Deep down we hope that they will cherish being able to thrive in a loving and supportive home. Unfortunately, you’re misguided because you are looking through the lens of your trauma.
Here’s why:
First, your kids don’t know what they don’t know. The same as a horse doesn’t know to be grateful for grass every day, a child doesn’t know to be grateful for a non-abusive and unconditionally loving home. It is what they are entitled to. Only when it is withheld does anyone think otherwise. No one notices the absence of trauma… unless you’ve experienced trauma. Lucky for your kids, they haven’t experienced trauma so they don’t know what to be grateful for.
Second, a healthy home doesn’t guarantee a happy home. Part of having a healthy home means having a home where all feelings are safe and people are allowed to be flawed. You’ve broken cycles, but you’re still human. If you’re a safe parent, you are opening your home to feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, and despair. Mistakes are safe here too, and they will be made. You’ve promised your child(ren) a non-abusive home with unconditional love, you cannot promise a home where no one makes mistakes, disappoints one another, or no negative feelings are felt.
Third, a safe home doesn’t mean a safe world. According to the largest twin study ever conducted (and cited in the book Blueprint: How DNA Makes Us Who We Are by Dr. Robert Plomin), when parents aren’t traumatic, they have about a 10% influence over who their child becomes as an adult. I am somewhat butchering the science — and I apologize to the researchers — but I like to call it “accurate enough”. Your child is largely shaped by their DNA (genetic predispositions — roughly 50%), as well as peers, mentors, teachers, culture, community, experiences, and more (roughly 40%). So parents can do everything in their power to be a supportive and loving force in their child’s lives, but they aren’t the only force — or even the largest force. Having safe parents doesn’t not mean a child will always be safe from harm. Children with wonderful parents struggle every single day.
When a parent is reeling because they have fought so hard to break generational cycles of trauma in their family — yet their child still seems ungrateful, unsatisfied, or falling apart — I want to tell them that means they’ve achieved what they set out to do. Because when done right, our kids will feel safe enough to be angry or disappointed with us. Our kids will feel safe enough to fall apart under our roof. And our kids won’t know to be grateful for a non-traumatic and loving home… because they will feel entitled to it all, just as they should.
Why work so hard to break generational cycles if it doesn’t guarantee a better life for our children? We break generational cycles not with the expectation that our children will live happy, carefree lives as a result. We break generational cycles because it is what we are entitled to. We never deserved to have safety and love be conditional. Our children will benefit from those broken cycles, no doubt. But we cannot have an expectation of what that benefit will look like for them. We simply break them because we don’t deserve to stay in them one second longer.
For more information about my mission and my practice, visit www.cindyrobinsonllc.com.
