How Will I Be Remembered as a Parent?

We scour our children’s minds, like little treasure hunters, asking about memories and gauging how they feel about us. All in an effort to find the answer to one important question:

How will my child remember me as a parent?

Whether the question haunts us subconsciously or consciously, it is always there. There is not a parent in the world who doesn’t want the answer to that question, and not a parent in the world who isn’t utterly terrified of what the answer might be.

The good news: there is a way to know the answer to that question. But first, we must look at why it is such an important question. For many prents, this question looms over them because they do not want to be remembered the same way they remember their parents. For others, they have poured their heart and soul into their roles as parents and they want validation that it has all been worth it. Either way, every parent hopes that hindsight will grant our kids compassion for the strained moments, and illumination for the loving moments.

The truth is, after spending hours and hours listening to teens and adults reflect on their childhood, I have noticed one very distinct pattern that highlights how to best predict how we will be remembered as parents:

How we show up when they fail.

It’s that simple. How do you show up when your child fails?

Do you shame them? Do you say things like, “What were you thinking?!” or “How could you be so stupid?!”? Making your child feel as if they are a bad person rather than they made a bad choice is a big mistake parents make in an effort to protect their child. I can’t tell you how many times parents have sat in my office confused as to why their child doesn’t open up to them, when every time their child has tried to they’ve only gotten various forms of shame in response. Parents shame because they are afraid; afraid of what could have happened or what might happen in the future. However, if this is how you show up when they fail, you will likely be remembered as a parent who was shaming instead of afraid. They will likely feel they cannot show up authentically or flawed around you, and therefore only show you what they think you want to see.

Do you make the situation all about you? This looks like saying things like, “Where did I go wrong?” or “Why are you doing this to me?!” when your child makes a mistake that literally has nothing to do with you. Our kids are our whole worlds but we are just a small part of theirs, if we’re lucky. Believe it or not, your child is too busy trying to become a fully formed human to think about how their decisions impact you. They aren’t going to an out of state college to get away from you. They aren’t dating that boy you warned them about to piss you off. They make most of their decisions in an effort to discover who they are, so please don’t make an already complicated journey even harder by making it about you. If this is how you show up when they fail, they will likely remember you as being narcissistic, controlling, or like there isn’t much room for them in your relationship.

Do you care more about outward appearances? This looks like saying things like, “What am I going to tell people?” or “What do you think other people will say about you?”. It is very easy to let your fear of public opinion dictate how you show up for your child. Humans are designed to be fearful of judgement — it is how we managed to stay alive and in a tribe for centuries. But these are no longer the caveman days. Our true “tribe” is going to stand by our side even when our children are struggling. And by the way, kids/teens messing up royally is a perfectly healthy and normal step to becoming human, regardless of what “other people” say. If you let what people think take priority over your child’s needs when they fail, you risk not leaving enough room for perfectly normal behavior. If this is how you show up when they fail, your children will feel as though you only care how they seem, not how they are.

Do you reject them? If you tend to respond to failures by walking away, giving the silent treatment, or leaving them to clean up their messes on their own, you might run the risk of being remembered as an abandoning parent. Sometimes our children’s mistakes trigger us and we cannot help but respond more to our triggers than their needs. This can lead us to choosing rejecting behaviors because we cannot face what their mistakes are triggering in us. If we reject them when they fail, we risk them remembering us for abandoning them when they most needed us.

Or…

Are you a safe place to fail? If our children remember us most for how we show up when they fail, that means those moments have the most profound and lasting impact. In that case, we need to be much more intentional about our responses to failure. How much time do we spend curating happy experiences through vacations, holiday traditions, and family activities? Lots. And how much time do we spend planning our kids’ failures and our responses them? Little to none.

So here is what I suggest… plan for your child’s failures. Plan that they will send that nude, lie about that thing, smoke that weed, skip that class, date that awful person; maybe all at once and more than once. Then plan your response. Here are some tips for how to respond to failure:

1. Heal your triggers. Most parents who respond to failure in an unproductive way do so because their own wounds are being triggered. They are not responding to their child, they’re responding to their triggers. If you find it impossible to control how you respond to your child’s mistakes, you probably need to explore healing for yourself. Get some therapy, read some books, do some yoga — whatever you have to do so that you aren’t bringing your own baggage into an already complicated situation.
2. Bet on your kid. Believe at your core that your child will find their way to a fulfilling life eventually. Having this foundational belief can come in handy to hold onto when they are being less-than-ideal in the moment.
3. Know what’s normal. Educate yourself on the wide range of normal behavior for teens — and remind yourself of it frequently. It is normal, dare I say healthy, for teens to screw up and do stupid stuff. Like really stupid stuff. So the next time they mess up, repeat after me: “bad mistakes are part of the process of becoming good humans”. Plus, if you know what’s normal, you’ll also know what isn’t normal and when it is time for your child to get some help.
4. Empathize. So what if their pain is the direct result of a self-inflicted wound… it still hurts all the same. Trade your “I told you so” or “What did you expect?” for a “I’m really sorry I know this must hurt.” Empathy doesn’t say the behavior is ok, it simply says, “I know you learned a hard lesson and rather than rub it in I’m just going to be here alongside you while you deal with the consequences.”
5. Boundaries are not walls. When your child makes a poor decision you can lay down a boundary with love. You can tell them a behavior isn’t allowed or ok without anger. In other words “I love you too much to allow you to do that.” Walls are cold and rejecting. You still love your child — in fact — because you love your child you have to have clear and consistent boundaries, laid out with love.

We have to start investing more effort in how we show up when our kids fail. We should not be winging the moments that will most dictate to our children how we are remembered. And we cannot make up for moments where we shame, control, or reject with happy, fun, shiny moments. The shiny, happy moments don’t make up for the shaming moments; the shaming moments make the shiny, happy moments seem fake. “Sure my parents are being really nice to me right now, but I know all of that will go away the minute I mess up.”

The next time your child fails, think of it as an opportunity to show what your love for them is really made of. And if you can look at them during their lowest moment and say “I still love you and I’m still here for you”, it will be a game changer. From that moment on every shiny, happy moment will just feel that much shinier and happier because they will know it is all real — and I can’t think of a better way to be remembered.