The No Years Resolution

The approaching New Year has a way of making us start to think about changes and new beginnings. Humans are designed that way. Something called temporal landmarks are responsible for sparking that desire. Temporal landmarks are distinct events that stand out from the day-to-day, therefore making it easier as a human to track when something begins. New Years Day is the best example of a temporal landmark… and it is actually quite successful, when used in the way that we were designed.

So why are New Years resolutions notoriously unsuccessful? Because they are often not being used according to design.

Here’s how resolutions usually fail:

1. They aren’t truly your resolutions. They belong to someone else, or at least your idea of what others want you to be. Example: You make a New Years resolution to lose weight. Fundamentally, your dissatisfaction with your body size is rooted in the perception of others — a spouse, friends, society — and not a true desire of your own. You actually would prefer to keep enjoying the food you’ve been eating or having more free time instead of working out… but you feel it is essential to weigh less to feel more loved or accepted by your peers. In other words, if you were alone on a desert island you’d be totally satisfied with the shape of your body.
2. They are too long term. The temporal landmarks I spoke of earlier are only designed to be effective temporarily. They are a neurological jump start. If your goal is too long term, the energetic charge of the temporal landmark wears off… usually after about a week. Example: You make a New Years resolution to save money by swearing off Starbucks. It will take at least a year to feel any financial gain from this resolution. The temporal landmark will wear off in a week, when you’ve only saved yourself about $15. When your brain projects into the future (a future without Starbucks) after the excitement of the temporal landmark wears off, it likely will not see how that suffering will be worth only $15 a week.
3. We don’t replace the reward. Many times when we want to make a change, we are removing a reward. It may be an unhealthy reward, but your brain doesn’t know the difference. Example: You make a New Years resolution to stop eating sugar. But every time you eat sugar your brain gets a reward in the form of a temporary spike in dopamine. If you simply cut out sugar and don’t replace the reward, you are likely going to return the old reward again. Remember, long term rewards — like improved health overall — don’t cut it (like we discussed in #2). You will have to create regular little rewards, to replace the ones your body receives when it eats sugar.

Now that we understand why resolutions often don’t work, I have a proposal. There is one way to improve your life that has a high likelihood of being successful, a low chance of falling through, and research supports the impact on your life is very positive in the long term.

I propose a No Years Resolution. Think of something you want to no longer worry about… and then quit worrying about it. Here are a few examples:

Instead of a resolution to lose weight, try making a commitment to not worry about weight anymore. Look into body positivity and intuitive eating rather than diets and workouts that promote thinness over healthiness.

Instead of a resolution to get more organized, try making a commitment to not worry about being so organized. Embrace your natural rhythm and learn about the unconventional way your brain operates, and the gifts that come along with that unique way of operating.

Bottom line: This year, instead of making resolutions to change or fix yourself, what if you opted to, instead, find a way to love yourself just the way you are. For everything you want to change or fix, ask yourself “What if it’s just fine that I’m like that?” — and explore the answers to that question.

I see it time and again with clients, once they have permission to be “just fine” the way they are — everything changes.