What’s Wrong with Our Kids?
Three years ago I set out on a journey to find out why suicide was the 2nd leading cause of death for children ages 8–24. Working at a children’s counseling center for several years as a mindfulness coach, I knew $150+ per session for therapy simply wasn’t affordable for most families. Also, if 1/4 of our children were experiencing anxiety disorders and depression, there would never be enough therapists anyway.
Three years later, I know even less than I “knew” then, but I have accumulated a few realizations about what is “wrong” with our kids. Here they are, put as simply and bluntly as I can:
Our culture is obsessed with achievement.
From the moment these kids are born, we begin plotting their most likely route to success. If they crawl early, we start looking into Olympic trainers and athletic scholarships. If they are in the gifted program at school, we begin saving for elite universities and enrolling in extra tutoring (to advance the already advanced brain). We all want gifted kids. But we don’t think about the price gifted children pay. Nothing comes without a balance… I can guarantee your athletically gifted kid is at high risk of eating disorders and the dull ring of dissatisfaction in their ears, and I can guarantee your academically gifted kid is at high risk of anxiety disorders and an equally high risk of suicide as children who grow up in high-crime areas. Achievement isn’t everything, and in fact standing out in a highly competitive culture takes an incredible amount of self-sacrifice and comes with incredibly high risks.
Our kids are silently being traumatized by Big Tech.
These same kids we happily enroll in tutoring and training, we also hand iPads at the age of two because parenting, quite frankly, is just too much sometimes. We assume Big Tech is looking out for us with apps like Messenger Kids and YouTube Kids. When in fact, Big Tech is — like any drug dealer — smart, and they know if you hook them early you have a customer for life. But what keeps tweens/teens glued to their screens the longest? Fear and shame. You’ll stay on your screen much longer if you are terrified of being ugly and think if you look at enough beautiful people you’ll learn how to be beautiful too. And you’ll stay on much much longer if you’re stuck in an endless rabbit hole of porn (which found its way to you just as you are discovering your sexuality and no one else tells you the truth about puberty) and can’t admit you need help. Our kids are being attacked and abused daily online and parents have no idea. Because they all assume “my kid isn’t like that.” I can’t say anything to this other than you are wrong.
Our kids have zero autonomy.
Thanks to the achievement culture that says they have to be the best they can be, and the toxic tech culture that constantly reminds them they are alone and disgusting, our kids’ days are jam-packed with sh*t they have no control over. They are in tutoring every time they get a B, soccer practices 6 days a week (because somehow now every soccer player must aspire to go pro), and doing 2 hours of homework on average by middle school. Burned out and exhausted, any free second they have is dedicated to their technology. Where they have to manage comparing themselves to others, wading through a sea of pedophiles, and getting bullied by trolls with the veil of anonymity. Nothing feels like a choice. The only free space they have (their phones) is full of toxic feedback. Every time they do try to advocate for themselves, some adult tells them they are wrong or invalid. In this world where achievement = worth, there’s no room for error. Mistakes aren’t an essential part of becoming a wise human, they are proof that you are a worthless human.
In conclusion…
When I lay it out like that, is it really that hard to see why our children are struggling? Is anything really “wrong” with them, or are they operating just as they should? And what is all of that struggle for… There are no studies that show achievement is linked to intrinsic fulfillment (but plenty to the contrary) or that money = happiness (beyond the poverty line). In fact, in the largest study ever conducted on happiness, these were the actual 3 intrinsic needs every human needs to be happy:
To feel you are living authentically.
To feel you are accepted by a group.
To feel competent at something.
That’s it. That’s your new focus for raising “successful” kids. I want to replace achievement culture with fulfillment culture. How do they live authentically? By being able to learn who they are, which requires making decisions and making mistakes. How will they be accepted by a group? By being able to interact with people in real and authentic ways. How will they feel competent at something? By trying different things, finding what they enjoy, failing at it over and over, and eventually — slowly — reach a level of competency.
