You’re Not A Bad Person, You’re Empathetic

Common reasons why empaths think they are the worst people on the planet

For most of my life I was convinced I was a terrible person. Now that I work with parents and teens as an intuitive healing coach, I realize how many other really amazing people feel the same way. This article is for you.

Up until a few years ago, the more people tried to convince me that I was a big bright beautiful ball of light in their lives, the worse I felt. Because I was convinced I had manipulated them into having that opinion, and I always had these looming words in my head: If they really knew me... And God forbid I actually made a real life bad choice — like tell a lie because I was too afraid to tell the truth or ghost a friend because they relied on me a little too much — I would become so overwhelmed with self-hatred I could barely breathe.

One day the noise became too much. I had spent every waking hour trying to earn my way into the “good person” category and it never seemed to be enough. So I went on a journey to finally close the case on whether or not I am a bad person. It began with something called Rapid Resolution Therapy — a form of hypnotherapy designed to resolve troubling thoughts, emotions, or behaviors. Something happened during that session…

During the hypnosis, I saw myself as a child. I was around 8 years old and I was being my usual silly, entertaining self. I often cringe about what a loud “look at me” kid I was. But this time I didn’t cringe. I realized what was happening in that moment. My older sister was visiting our mother’s house. She had moved in with our dad on her 14th birthday and I was still living with our mother, her visits had gotten less and less frequent over time. What was significant about that day is that I knew it would be the last time she would visit. I don’t know why or how, but I knew the relationship between she and our mother had become so strained that she would not be coming back. Inside I was devastated… but on the outside you would never know. I was being silly and entertaining because I wanted my sister to know it was ok to leave — that I would be ok, and I wanted to distract my mother from the pain of her leaving… I just wanted everyone to be ok and for everything to be happy.

The answer I was seeking rushed over me. I am not a bad person. How can this child, who cared so much about everyone being ok, be a bad person? And I realized, I had mistaken myself for being a bad person my entire life. Was it “fake” to sense that my sister felt guilty for leaving me, so I acted extra happy so she would be able to leave without guilt? Was it “manipulative” of me to cheer my mom up so she wouldn’t notice the pain? Or was it all just being empathetic?

Since that realization, I’ve been trying to decipher how such a sweet kid ended up thinking they were such a bad person, and how so many other people were struggling the same way I was. Through hours and hours of research and conversations with experts, I have discovered a few misconceptions that I believe lead good people to believe they are bad:

A Misunderstanding of Intrusive Thoughts: Most empaths struggle with anxiety and/or OCD. Which means we often struggle with intrusive thoughts (unwanted/unpleasant thoughts that come on unexpectedly and feel impossible to control). Empaths imagine “good people” as people with pure and innocent thoughts who only spend brain power thinking of saving puppies and recycling. This is not true. Due to the nature of the fear center of our brain, the nicest people have the worst thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are usually about the very last thing you would ever want to happen (like molesting a child or falling down the stairs and breaking your neck). A great way to tell if your dark thought is intrusive or not is whether or not you wanted to have that thought. Quick tip: Serial killers and child molesters don’t spend a lot of time worrying about being serial killers and child molesters — in other words if you’re worried about your intrusive thoughts being “real”, they probably aren’t.

Thinking You “Make” Yourself Good: Many empaths believe the reason we do good things is because we hold ourselves to an incredibly high standard of “performing” as a good person would. We think that if we let go, follow our intuition, or do whatever we want, we will immediately slip into bad person behavior. The overthinking and analyzing feels essential to the process of doing the right thing. It turns out it isn’t. I was more shocked than anyone to discover this to be true. The overthinking neural pathways have been so validated that you believe it is the reason you’re not acting as a bad person yet. Take some chances, make some small gut decisions and follow them through. See if the world falls apart — I’m betting it doesn’t.

Liking Yourself Isn’t a Big Deal: Often empaths feel guilty for enjoying the attention or praise we get from others, and rarely give it to ourselves. We easily get tangled in the fear that we only do the good deed for the praise. It turns out humans simply like being told nice things. It reassures us that we are accepted and have a useful role to play in our community. It’s ok if it feels good and it’s ok if we want attention for it. An empath’s biggest fear is being a narcissist. So we look at narcissistic traits and hold ourselves to be the opposite of all of them. First of all, it’s not the end of the world to be narcissistic. Narcissists are people too — while they do need healthy boundaries or things can become very toxic, they are not evil. Second, feeling good about yourself is nowhere near the same thing as being narcissistic. You can be empathetic, caring, loving towards others and towards yourself. Trust me, again, the world will not fall apart if you like yourself.

You’re Powerful, but Not That Powerful. Empathy is a strong and powerful tool. Which is why empaths can often feel as if we are manipulating or controlling situations. Empaths can often accurately predict someone’s needs and meet them. This can sometimes feel like “making someone like us”. Empaths can also easily climb into other people’s perspectives and experience joy over things we normally don’t enjoy or hatred over things we don’t particularly hate. This can sometimes feel like “being fake”. While these skills don’t make you a bad person, they can be a sign you need to learn about setting healthy boundaries. I highly suggest all empaths check out the book Find Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. If you’ve got powers, you might as well use them in the healthiest way possible.

Empaths usually have inner work that needs to be done in order to separate who they are from everything else. There is so much joy in the world and simultaneously so much pain — and empaths see and feel it all. It is murky work, but it has to be done if you want any chance at enjoying a little piece of that light you bring into the world. I hope the next time you wonder to yourself “Am I a bad person?” that maybe, just maybe, you’re not. And remember: worrying about being a bad person is a sign that you are actually a good, sweet, squishy, glowing ball of light person.